random quote
"is it harder or easier to be alone?"
-josh b, sent via email
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alright, i don't tell many people about my whole sad and depressing life, but it helps every time i do. my name is Jonathan, and i live in jacksonville florida. late this school year i began falling for a good friend of mine. her name is dawn, (and oh, by the way, never date your best friend). anyways its one of those sad stories were i liked her and she liked me, but none of us were aware of each others feelings. i had a small hint they she may have, so i struck up this interesting convo with her at taco bell. i explained to her all about the many people that i knew who liked each other and they never expressed their feelings and eventually found out about each other when it was too late. i figured if i told her that she may cough up and spill what feelings she had for me. but she didn't, and neither did i. so we live our life and now she is gong out with my buddy Asa. He's cool and they really deserve each other, and i'm really glad that she is happy, that's all i wanted was for her to be happy, but GOD did it bring a lot of pain to me. UNBEARABLE pain that i have yet to understand how i made it through. anyways, i tried talking to other girls to get my mind off of Dawn, and i found Brittney. We were talking and i thought it couldn't get any better. Neither of us did, it was perfect and guess what, all of a sudden, she's going out with some fag Brandon. What kind of shit is that? I mean, we're talking and the next day she just casually tells me she's going out with Brandon. Anyways, girls suck, i'm done with them, they give me nothing but pain. thanks for listening. -jona, sent via email --- Hey man, there is this one girl that makes
my life suck more than anything in the world, but I still love her. We've been
friends for a couple years, and i like that. but, she doesn't want to be with
me. This one night we went out up around my town. Then we sat down on a
bench. i looked at her, and I told her everything. i told that i loved her
more than anything in the world. i told her how i dream of her, and i dream of
us together. she said to me, "i love you too. There aren't many people in this
world that I love. but i love you. but i don't love you in that way. i know
how you feel about me. and i know that i flirt with you a lot, and i'm sorry,
because lately i've been really bad. but you have to understand that i don't
like you that way." i couldn't breathe. it felt as if my heart had been
replaced with a knife. my stomach was in my thought, and i was about to cry.
then she left me. she left me sitting on that bench alone. and i cried all
night. if you think that this hurt, next week we were out with a couple of
friends. and then she started to cuddle with some other guy, RIGHT IN FRONT OF
ME!!!! she was all over him. they were touching each other, and holding each
other. i couldn't take it. then she got up to go to the bathroom, and then he
went to. 30 min later they returned. i couldn't believe that this had just
happened. this hurt more than anything that i had ever felt in my life. i
realized that love is just fucking wrong, and girl don't want to do anything for
you. she left me hurting alone. and then she rubbed it right in my face. i
couldn't deal with it. that was 4 months ago, and i still cry myself to sleep
at night. --- "well ummm you pretty much know what i've been going thru for the past while. i never tell anyone everything that actually means something. i always feel if i say it all, then i've said too much, and then they will feel sorry for me. i don't like that feeling. this isn't to vent, or make anyone feel sorry for me, just a simple insight on my day yesterday. well i've been sick since this past december, and I've been going in and out of doctors offices and they've been running all kinds of tests on me, yet i'm still sick... i will tell you a little about some people i will be mentioning so you will know a little about where i'm coming from while i'm talking about their actions. my dad (troy, him and my mom are going thru a bitter divorce and he insists on pulling me into it, and he seems to not give a rats behind about anyone BUT himself but lets not get into it too much)... then there's aunt patty. she's an awesome person, perhaps the strongest i know and have ever met. september 11, 2001 she shattered her arm. doctors proceeded to test her and come to find out she has cancer of the esophagus, lungs, liver, brain, and bone (its pretty much everywhere...its terminal) well we have been going in these spirals with her. one day she will be doing the best we have seen her, and the next we're not sure if she's making it thru the night. doctors told us that she wouldn't make it to thanksgiving... now were waiting on valentines day and so on...well she's still here with us, and pulling on . they haven't gotten thru to her that she's not supposed be here too long with her condition... but she's utterly strong. mom hasn't told her about her and my dad divorcing because she doesn't want aunt patty or worry herself. well ,back to what i was saying. yesterday i had yet another doctors appt at 1:00, so did aunt patty. mom usually takes her to her doctors and Susan (my cousin) usually meets her there. Susan took aunt patty and mom went with me. yesterday, unlike my usual mornings, i didn't load up on pain pills, i went without.. i felt more pain yesterday than i have in a while. last night at about 7:00 aunt patty called here. she asked how i felt, and how i'm doing. i told her i was hurting and i didn't feel good... she unselfishly said to me that she's worried about me, she hopes i get better, and that she would pray for me. her saying that brought me to tears... its just that it came from her, being in her condition, just the way she said it. she was crying because she was worried about me. i guess its almost like me and her have switched rolls in a way. me and my family have been the ones praying for her, and we were always crying with her. gosh... its amazing how strong she is... then there comes my dad, the complete opposite. he called last night also. his only concern seemed to be *did you go to skewl?* i said no.... a few nights ago i brought his mail over, and in it mom accidentally put my bill from the hospital in it when i went to have some tests ran... he looked at it. asked what it was for, then handed it back to me saying "my names not on this, why did she put it in here" he didn't bother asking what happened, or how the tests went. i'm not trying to be selfish or anything. but the only reason he called was last night, i think was because one of his "buddies" was eating dinner last night in a restaurant where mom went, she met my uncle there and they were talking about me. and uncle James asked about me... my dads friend was sitting a table away, able to hear the whole convo. mom made a comment about how much of an asshole my dad was, and how he has made no attempt to even call me and see how i'm doing, help pay for medicines, or anything really. i personally thing that the only reason he called was because his "buddy" called him and told him what he heard. well frankly i'm just noting the different types of people in this world... those who care, and those who don't. the strong and the weak. the real, and the fake..." -angie, sent via email --- "ok..I've never had feelings of depression or like i wanted to hurt/kill myself until recently. yesterday was pretty bad. I was really depressed so I decided to go over to my ex-boyfriend's(Diego)house.His step dad answered and Diego wasn't there, so i went home and did absolutely nothing like a pathetic loser. then i wrote a note to Diego to tell him how I feel. I could've used pencil or pen, but I decided to use my blood so i cut my finger open and wrote "Diego I Love You" but today I was too scared to give it to him because I didn't want to scare him or make him think that he has to go out with me or I'll kill myself or something. but its not like that at all. Oh well there's a sad day in my life. bye" -lila, sent via email--- "I'm not quite sure why I suddenly have the urge to confide in you, but I think that I'm becoming and emo kid. I have a feeling that it'll help me process everything as well. In order for you to understand why my social problems are a big deal to me, you must understand that for a large portion of my life I depended on companions. I felt that I needed friends to survive. I was what could be called a social butterfly...I dated around, and relied on the social aspects of my life. Academics were of little importance, and all that I did in my spare time was talk on the phone and go to movies. Last week I started to understand how some people enjoy privacy, and "alone time." The person who was my closest friend decided to be absolutely horrible and ruin what is left of my relationship with my ex. She told him horrible things about me that were ridiculous fabrications, and he believed her. He believed her and accused me of being shallow and uncaring, and dishonest. I would NEVER lie! The day after that he basically spent four hours telling me that he thought I was a whore, then one of my closest guy friends wrote me an e-mail listing the things that were wrong with my personality...apparently I'm emotionally immature, prone to following nihilism, jealous of him, and irrational. This letter hit me by surprise. It's not every day that a friend that you've known since first grade sends you a letter giving you reasons why you're immature and stupid. On top of all that, every friendship with a girl has dissolved. I used to actually have female friends that I could relate with and giggle and do stuff like that with...now the only venting I can do is with five guys playing counterstrike at the local gaming store...not exactly the feminine experience. I never thought that I would think this again, but I am seriously calculating my worth in this world...what do I mean to people? Is the only way of finding that out through something drastic...if that's the only! option, is finding that out even worth it...friends should show they care from the start, right? Not only when you're having problems. They should be willing to talk to you all the time...not just when they're having a bad day or they find out you swallowed a whole bottle of pain medicine...but what if I show on the outside what I feel? they wouldn't want to be near me because I'm not the same as I appear on the outside. I'm not just a girl who's blonde, has blue eyes and smiles a lot...As Queen once said in The Show Must Go On..."Inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on." Does my life have to be like that? I wish it didn't, but I need to find another way to fix things before it changes." -daphne, sent via email --- "hey.. i'll tell you the whole story and how everything's going along. yesterday sucked even more than the rest. it started by right when i got home from school, my whole house was locked and i couldn't get it. so then i thought i would go to jessica's house. it's 4 miles away, and it takes me like almost an hour and a half to walk there. but i walked there, and when I got there, I rang the doorbell like 6 times, no answer. so I started to walk home and 3 girls yelled at me and ran up and started talking to me. so i got to know them, then i ended up hanging out with them. but at like 7, I decided to go back to jessicas, so i ran as fast as i could there (i don't run very much, i was about to pass out =\ ), took me like 30 minutes. when i got there, she answered the door and just acted like we never had anything special. i have some disorder where i like to cut myself out of anger and hate so my arms were all bloody.. and she noticed all the cuts (28 on my left arm, 16 on the right) and she said "what did you do that for?!" dumb question. but then we proceeded to talk about stuff, and just held each other in our arms. and i started crying, because today was our 4 months anniversary. we haven't been together for very long, but i still gave my heart to her, and i love her so much. i then looked up and looked her in the eyes and told her i loved her with all my heart, and she said "i love you too cody", and i replied with "but i love you as more than a friend.. i always have, and always will" and she got tears in her eyes, and I went back to crying on her shoulder. later i asked if she wanted a boyfriend, she said yes, but no guys like her. that's a huge lie, a lot of guys like her, including me.. but then i told her i didn't want to be her friend because it would hurt too much to see her with another guy because i like her, she just doesn't want to be with me. so i ended up slicing my finger open and writing" I'm Sorry Jessica" on her garage door with my blood. and then walked away from her house. and finally, she was crying. that was all my drama in one day... its funny how people seem to start really caring when you do something that they don't want you to do. anyways, take it easy jake. peace." -cody, sent via email |
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