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"is it harder or easier to be alone?"
-josh b, sent via email
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june 27, 2002 @ 7:59pm sorry for the downtime... things are changing so i figured i'd update. me and gloria are cool. everything has been great. my car club is booming and my friends are the best. but things change. i have no roof over my head and still no ride. i'm going back to dallas in two weeks. i will do my best to keep in touch with my life here in jacksonville, and i will return in a few months (december at the latest). i don't talk to jamie anymore... though occasionally she does call to "check" up on me. she tells me she loves me and still misses me... oh well, i'm happy with gloria and i know gloria will be here when i get back... god i'm going to miss her. my friends promise me that they're going to look after my car club and girlfriend... i hope so. until the next update- hold on to your friends... check out http://www.liquid-element.com. february 11, 2002 @ 4:33pm well... it's been awhile, i know... sorry. i've been gone living and stuff. my car club is getting huge. we had a meeting last friday. it was bad ass. we all went to tgi fridays. kick ass man! i'm seeing this girl named gloria now. she's really hot too. she's korean, and has that certain asian charm. well... i have a bunch to say, but even more to actually do, so i'll get back to you all later. see ya. january 30, 2002 @ 2:57pm *new photos posted in candids 10* january 28, 2002 @ 9:24pm again, angie calls me this morning... asking if i'm hungry. i get up, shower, and she knocks on the door. we went to the landing tonight, after we spent a few hours at her house taking photos by the river (she has riverside property). we played arcade games & took pictures at the landing. what great time we had. i called jamie today. she was home sick :-(. i hope she feels better. i'm going to call again tomorrow. well... goodnight everyone. g'nite angie... good night friends... *new photo posted in candids 9* january 27, 2002 @ 9:08pm what a last few days! i've been having so much fun with erin, crystal & angie! let's see... erin sold his car, and is getting his crx tomorrow. i'll have my new car in a matter of weeks & i've been meeting so many new people! um... i hung out with gloria and her friend ashley for the first time in a long time today... oh... angie just left...she asked me to be her valentine.. i kissed her on the cheek. see you later guys... january 26, 2002 @ 1:47am today, erin & crystal skipped school and came over to my apartment. they brought some chicken and stuff, so we ate and watched cast away on hbo. we then went to the mall, and ate again, the target to look at the toys, and then fifth gear, and then... we met up with angie at the mall. i went to work, and they all went off and hung out. after work, erin picked me up and we went to crystal's to meet up with angie and her. erin went home afterwards, and crystal, angie & i spent the rest of the evening on her couch watching the fast & the furious. oh! i found out today, that i'm getting all my money back in a few weeks... so i'll have either a 92 civic or a 93 mx3... soon. i'm keeping the car at angie's until i get everything together. see you all soon! p.s... i posted some of angie's photography in "candids 8 & 9"... enjoy. january 24, 2002 @ 10:37pm i woke up for work, and angie called me. she asked if i was hungry (deja-vu or what?). well, i told her yeah, and we went to the mall and shared a plate of chinese... then we bought her some fuses for her amp at radio-shack and installed them in the parking lot. her sub woofers sound so much better now. i'm happy she's happy. i went to work after giving her a big hug... and she rode off into the sun... heh. i had "fun" at work. i bought "hopelessly devoted to you". it's a good cd for $3.99. i am talking to angie now on aim, and erins on the way over. see you all soon. p.s... sleep tight angie, i had fun with you today)... january 24, 2002 @ 12:47am man... my fucking dad busts out with some i'm " out of here if he gets no rent..." well... i'll probably be living somewhere else. don't know what exactly is going on yet, but this may be it for awhile. though crystal offered me a place at her house... maybe... i like it there ;-) i could buy my groceries, and save for my car... if anyone needs to contact me: (904) 382-8815 (cell). see ya... january 23, 2002 @ 11:45pm oh my god. what a day. i talked on the phone all night last night with a girl named angie... today i woke up, and jumped online. angie (a girl i met through erin & crystal) imed me and asked if i was hungry... well, to make a very long story short, she came by, and we went to chick-fil-a and ate. we then rode out to auto zone to install her new taillights on her 94 corolla (keep in mind, i just met her), and then we went to her house. i helped her (i guess...) write an essay for school, since she didn't go today. erin called... and i told him we'd meet him at my house. we rode back out to my place, we went out to the sand dunes to take photos (angies big on photography, and i'll post some of the pictures she took of me later!) and erin & his friends soon showed up in their integra. i met erin's friends, and then me and angie decided to ride out to the beach and walk while we waited for her film to develop. we walked on the beach... and somehow, angie's boyfriend found out we were together, so he broke up with her then and there. i did my best to cheer her up... and i think i did. i asked her for a hug... and then she smiled. it's neat how you can make someone change the way they feel so fast... i know now that i have that power... the same powers that i doubted earlier with jamie. we then decided to go to ceces pizza and grab some grub. after we ate (12 slices of pizza later), she took me home. we hugged, and i told her everything would be okay... she got in her car... and drove off. erin called me not more than a minute later, and told me that him and crystal were coming by. i waited and finally they showed up. we went to crystals, then me and erin went over to his big brothers to check out the mx3 he's selling for 1500 that i might buy. i called angie to tell her goodnight. i hope she sleeps okay... and calls me tomorrow... see ya guys... january 22, 2002 @ 12:38pm i hate love. i finally confessed my love for jamie. sad mistake. i think she is just afraid to have someone love her as much as me. so... no more jamie for me. she'll have to come back to me. i'm moving on. that's real. friends still? sure. but that's it. more soon guys. thanks for the support everyone. i hate love because of one girl who means the world to me. now you know how fragile a heart can be... remember that. january 20, 2002 @ 11:00pm i've been kind of "grounded" from the internet for a while, but i should be back now... anyways. i've been having a lot of fun since the last time we've talked. i've met a lot of new people, spent more time with my friends erin & gabe, and i've done a lot of organizing for my future (taxes, cell phone, apartment shopping, etc.). i'm still waiting to see what happens when jamie comes back into my life (if she ever does). i'm scared that i won't feel the same way about her anymore... but at the same time, i know she's the one for me- until the end of time. i dream about it all of the time. but... let me try to think of something else to say... hmmm... i'm off work for a week. so i'll be online, and stuff. i bought some new clothes to celebrate my $1000 tax return i'll be getting back soon. i bought a few hurley shirts, a couple pair of shorts, some new sunglasses (picture coming soon), some new earrings (i actually got them as a girt from some girl...), a new watch... etc. i'm pretty happy. i also got a sweet new hairstyle, which, since a lot of girls have been talking to me at the mall, etc, i think they dig it ;-). i know this is just a bunch of rambling... well... i'll see you all later. i love you... just don't break my heart. p.s... jamie: happy would-of-been anniversary baby... i miss you. january 16, 2002 @ 10:47pm i got home early. me and by friend erin went and hung out, and i met some new people today. i talked to alex & laurie on the phone. everything is fine without jamie. i talked to her friend mike, who works at the mall, and he said, "jamie & barry are together already" & "don't count on jamie ever leaving barry... he'll have to be the one to break up with her". i cried. but went to talk to someone (i won't release that name here) and felt much better soon. thanks _ _ _ _ _ _! heh. anyways, my phone should arrive tomorrow & i bought a new cd today (mxpx: let it happen). i'm really doing much better. thanks for the support alex... and cody, everything is going to be fine... i feel you. (i never really thought i could have such a great friend, 2000 miles away...). january 16, 2002 @ 12:16pm last night, me and jamie came to a wonderful agreement, and everything will be fine- with that said, let's move on shall we? i will be enjoying the best few days of my life soon. everyday, i'll check back here... and let you know what happened, who i met, etc. and when the day comes... i'll let you know what happened. don't worry, this will all clear up soon enough (i hope). january 15, 2002 @ 7:02pm i give up. i love her so so much, but it just hurts too bad. i'm going to let her be. if she wants to talk to him and not click over when i call- that's fine. but when she's at the bottom & needs someone to hold her hand when she's falling down... she can call me. until then... i rest my case. everything is going to be fine... we'll find each other again. i know it. because we are in love. and love always finds it's way home. i might as well look on the brighter side- a car full of girls stopped me on my way to the mailbox... i actually talked without choking up... i'll be fine. january 14, 2002 @ 10:58pm she is talking to her ex... he wants supervised visits when she visits me... what the fuck is that all about?! she should be calling me back soon. love is so confusing... january 14, 2002 @ 8:21pm okay. she came over. we cried together, and still insists, this is something she needs to do. i'm okay, i guess. everyone online has been more then helpful. i really appreciate all the kind words. we ended up going to the mall together so i could by alkaline trio, and we ate, and kissed & said "i love you" to each other. i still love her so much, and i could probably wait forever for her. we'll see what happens when she realizes what she's missing. someone that loves her more then me? yeah... right. oh! i picked up my film today, so many-a photos coming soon... ladies: me in my red ataris shirt... calm down, calm down. sheesh. january 14, 2002 @ 9:41am after the last journal entry, jamie told me that she loved me and the we need to stay together (read on...). the next morning (yesterday) i woke up with severe abdominal pain. i spent all day in the hospital with an iv in my arm, etc. i ended up having a kidney stone. it seems gone now. when i got home, jamie broke up with me. she said that she wants to see how her and her ex (who she was with off and on for three years) treated her if he gave him one last chance. what did i do to deserve this? i cried all night. i got drunk and i don't even drink... i'll probably drink some more today. no other way to deal with the pain i feel. she said she sent me an email... i post some excerpts from it later. i must go blast the ataris or something now... i will be crying again soon. oh yeah, she never forgets to call me on her way to school. i have no missed calls on the caller i.d. what will i do? i'll probably end up in texas again. she obviously doesn't need me anymore. and when she realizes what she lost, i'll be far away. protecting my fragile heart forever more. i promised her, i'll still dream about her... and listen to her prayers at night. god this hurts so bad... january 13, 2002 @ 12:50am well. my life is all emo now again. jamie told me that she "needs her space". i've heard that line before, and i dread it. so... i'm crying again. listening to pop-punk... crying, and feeling sorry for myself. she says she just doesn't want to be tied up in a relationship right now. she wants to see how life is without a boyfriend... for a week at the most. what does that mean? what am i to do? she asks me to wait for her... but i can't wait forever. but i'll try. i'll need some emotional support on this one guys. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. january 12, 2002 @ 10:29am ever feel like shit couldn't suck any worse? well... that's how i feel. i called wal-mart today about my great new opportunity... they guy says i'm 8 months short of wal-mart stores' restricted age requirement for hire. this sucks. how am i going to tell everyone? w2 returns will be here soon. i'll be okay. i always am... *sigh* i don't want to go to work today.. awww... maaan... january 12, 2002 @ 1:11am i confronted jamie's ex today. we almost fought in her front yard. i saw the look in jamie's eyes, and just turned my head. i couldn't bare seeing her hurt anymore... and me fighting him, would make her cry. i hate it when she cries... i left her house, and she went to work. i called wal-mart today about my new night stocker job. he wants me to show up at 7am. hmmm... oh! i opened a yahoo! group for the site today, and attracted many new people to the site. well... don't have much to say. see you later guys. january 10, 2002 @ 9:03pm i talked to rae last night... but for some reason we got disconnected, i think it was too late to call her back though. anyways. my dad called me from work letting me know that he got my cell phone ordered and i should be getting it within the next couple days, so i will have a new number and phone... pretty neat i guess. i started a yahoo! group for the site and all you guys today... there's a link on the left of this screen. anyways, i'm going to go watch some TV. i need to take a shower too. january 10, 2002 @ 9:03pm i just woke up. that all-nighter i pulled last night had me sleeping like a baby all day. i talked to jamie today. she can't see me... she's still grounded. i might see her soon. i miss her. i'm talking to rain now... she's really nice. i posted two pics of her on the candids section. umm... i update more later... don't have much to say. besides, i'm missing family guy. january 10, 2002 @ 8:38am well, i pulled an all-nighter last night. it's good to be alive. i got bored so i decided to make a surprise new design for the site. i have yet to get a chance to finish adding everything to the new site, but i'm slowly but surly getting to it. i'm off today and tomorrow so i'll probably sleep all day. if anyone wants to contribute to the new site, email me anytime today. oh, and the chick up top is sun tanning... i've already gotten weird emails about it... heh. anyways, toodles.
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